The Saksena Limit

This just in:

Scientists at Xero0ne Labs have finally calculated a criteria for evaluating human behavior.

The theorem, named after its founder Ayush Saksena (BE MSc), classifies all humorous or attempted-humorous actions into two categories:

• Tafri
• Chutiyaap

According to the theorem, above a certain limit, all so called nautanki ceases to be Tafri and becomes Chutiyaap. This limit, derived empirically through repeated experimentation on the Maturity Levels of test subjects from the Despo Doodh group, has been named 'The Saksena Limit' in honor of the founder of the theorem.

However, The Saksena Limit is highly stochastic.

It depends on factors such as:

• Whether or not the joke is cracked by Ayush Saksena
• Whether or not the joke is on Ayush Saksena
• Whether or not a girl Ayush Saksena could have slept with would change her mind because of the joke

The current value of The Saksena Limit has been estimated at 0.8 NPM.

Also, when we examine the graph of the derivative of the function, we can notice that there is a steep change in the function near the Saksena Limit, which indicates that a joke intended as Tafri can easily turn into Chutiyaap, if the almighty Saksena so decides.

Thus, we can also conclude that "There is a thin line between Tafri and Chutiyaap."

Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh Kumari Sushri Mayawati Ji has announced a prize of rupees 1 lakh and four marble statues for the founder scientist Ayush Saksena for this remarkable discovery.

About Last Night

Top ten reasons why last night was awkward:

• Ayush Saksena wore a sparkling gray shirt.
• Arjun Krishna took a fifty minute walk on a dark lonely road with another guy.
• Ayush Saksena displayed paedophilic tendencies.
• Arjun Krishna pee'd on the LMGC gate.
• Ayush Saksena was sexually assaulted by two men.
• Arjun Krishna flirted with another guy in his mother's presence.
• Ayush Saksena shamelessly described how he takes care of his pubic hair.
• Arjun Krishna slept with a soft toy.
• Ayush Saksena had a one hour long romantic conversation at One in the night with his "cousin".
• Neither of them was under the influence.

Respect the Red

Note : This article is about the color red on Gtalk status messages.

If you are a Manchester United fan, you were probably looking for this.

If you are a communist desperate for respect, go here. 

अगर आपकी मंगल की महादशा चल रही है तो कृपया यहाँ जाएँ.

End of Note

Good looking people will never stop ruining my happiness.

This time, they've made a mockery of my privacy.

Here's how it happened.

In this world, there are good looking girls. (A)

Also in this world, there are desperate men. (B)

And in any closed system, B's purpose of existence is to stalk A.

In the beginning there was A.

And one day, Google made Gtalk.

A logged onto Gtalk. She was green.

And for a time, it was good.

But soon, Bs found her out, and the next time she logged in, she had a hundred "hi wassup?" messages from Bs.

She had a little conversation with all the Bs, and politely made an excuse to shoo them away. It is, after all, the moral responsibility of every good looking girl in the world to be nice to people to prevent unnecessary testostoronal loss of life.

The Bs didn't understand; they were rather encouraged; they didn't give up.

When A had had enough, she turned red.

And a wise move it was.

Half the Bs thought A was busy and stopped buzzing,

And there came a time when A was always red.

Obscurity had come to the rescue.

Soon, Red became the new Green.

The other Bs, however,  got the trick.

How dare she take away their right to harass pretty girls!

How dare she try to outsmart them to be just left alone!

Busy or not, their "hey how r u?" continued.

And so started the race..

And in the quest of staying one step ahead of her stalkers, A used Pidgin and turned yellow.

And Bs responded with their timed 5-minute-ly "hey u thr?"s

And A had to eventually give in every time.

And then one day, A turned invisible.

And then, there was relief.

She could finally hit on her chocolate boys in peace.

And how did all this effect me, the common man?

Well, I'm old fashioned.

Being an ugly person I'm not allowed to keep up with these trends.

I still believe in the orthodox teachings of Google: the three Colors,

When I'm busy I innocently set my status to Red.

But people just ignore it and buzz me anyway.

I write DND next to the red,

And some continue to ignore it and buzz me anyway.

I take the effort to remove the abbreviation and make it  Do not Disturb. Busy means Busy.

And somehow, Vineet Pandey still manages to buzz me anyway.

Now, either Vineet Pandey is an atrocious disgrace to comprehending the English language or,

In time, the common man has just got used to the mockery of colors done by good looking people.

It is, I believe, the latter.

Today, it doesn't matter what color your status is.

If you're on the list, you'll be bugged.

Good looking people have screwed us up once again.

And this, we believe, is blasphemy and must come to an end, lest we anger the lords.

However, something good has come out of it as well.

Good looking girls, in doing so, have provided us a foolproof way of finding out how good-looking any girl is.. from only her Gtalk status.

Its quite simple to figure out as well.

In every status, the girl says a story.

I'm fat, ugly and desperate.

Or, I'm lonely and vulnerable.

I have a stalker.

Or, I'm just an ugly friend of a hot one.

I'm popular and attractive.

Or, I'm just asleep.

I'm Hot.

And, I'm actually busy hitting on someone else right now.

Payscale Puzzle

Its time for placements, and owing to the lack of interest of software companies in copied-from-Google Computer Engineers, there are going to be a lot of tradeoffs between Dream Jobs, High Payscales, Good Companies and Higher Studies this year.

Its too time-consuming to develop a rational scale for analyzing all the parameters, and therefore, I have decided to go for a much basic criteria.

Since I should fit into almost any CompSci job under the sun (I don't have a CGPA to boast), I'll be satisfied with my placement if:

1. After all expenses, at the end of a hard day's work I can afford to buy a KFC bucket.

End of criteria

Psenti Sem Bucket List

As the last semester of your BITSian life approaches, you think of the sophisticated and gentlemanly college life you've had so far, and plan out..

Ten stupid and immature things to do before passing out from BITS:

1. Drop a course.
2. Make a BITSian sister.
3. Appear for an evaluative component under the influence.
4. Vote for None of the Above.
5. Get a fake test make-up.
6. Go onstage for a major quiz.
   
7. Ask a girl out just because its Valentine's Day.
8. Host a DC++ hub and fight for its superiority.
9. Create hissing sounds in the LTC to disturb the class.
10. Jerk off in IPC.

Current score : 3/10

Say No to Tata Nano

The People's Car, Tata Nano, has been the headline of the Indian automotive industry for the past two years. Being the cheapest car under production, it targets the lower middle class population that till last year could not afford to buy an expensive car and had to settle for the two decade old Maruti 800.

All set to roll on Indian roads now, the Tata Nano is widely seen as a good thing.

Having been built completely indigenously, it is considered a statement of India's economic growth and innovation. People have immense faith in the car and well, everybody just loves it.

In fact, everybody loves the idea of a 1-lakh car so much that they have overlooked the car's specifications almost completely.

What we have is a 625cc rear-mounted engine. Sounds good? The Maruti 800 is the weakest car on the road and it is 800cc. How much power do you think a 600-odd cc engine will generate?

How about a maximum speed of 80 kmph? This means that after hitting the gas for a long time on a highway you can get to 80. Somewhat auto-rickshawish, isn't it?

How many of us really want to drive such a car everyday?

I'm no automotive engineer, so I'll stop here, but you should get the idea that the car is only meant for those who absolutely cannot afford anything else.

It worries me how people have overlooked this and have booked the car out of pure excitement.

My grandfather booked one. My father almost booked one too. My brother also gave it a thought.

If it wasn't for some sensible decision-making, we could have had three Tata Nanos in the family in the next six months (It is so affordable!). We already have two cars.

The same applies for a lot of people I know.

So what happens once all these Nanos are bought into every second family?

People will be excited about the car, drive their Nano for like a week or so, maybe a month, realize how much of a car it really is and park it in the garage, and it won't come out of there till when their 12 year old son would need a driving lesson.

At much less than 1 lakh rupees, the car won't even have a re-sale value good enough!

By booking the Nano this way, not only are people wasting a lakh rupees, they are denying that poor man a unit who has waited for two years to buy the car and actually needs it.

If people with no need to buy the car continue to do so, we will soon see as many useless Tata Nanos in garages in the next two years as we have useless mobile phones in homes today.

Not a good sign, is it?

Okay, economic perspective done, lets float another idea here.

Since the day the Nano was announced, it has been loved and praised by everyone.

Have you ever heard anyone speak anything negative about it? Leave the AutoCar magazine aside, they are professionals. Anyone from the common man?

I haven't.

People are so swept away by the hype created by the car and have so much faith in the product that they are ready to trust Tata Motors on anything. Do you realize how much power it gives to the company?

How many people expect Tata to give them the miracle of a car they've dreamed of? How many people have paid their hard earned money to book the car? How many of them are lower middle class people struggling to make ends meet?

The Nano was initially announced at 1 lakh. It has finally come out at 1.30 lakh.

In one small price hike Tata Motors may have devastated the hopes, the dreams and the economic plans of thousands of middle class families.

What if they have to make another change? Do you realize how big an impact one changed feature in the car can have?

Should anyone or anything be allowed to have so much power?

The Sprite of Hypocrisy

From the time it entered the market, Sprite has had one publicity tactic.

Remember the first mockery involving a sardar and a car (rather "the-car") ?

"Cold drink peene se heroin-sheroin nahi aati. Aati hai.. Dakaar!"

It was probably the first softdrink ad in the market that didn't target the "I to do what celebrity do" mentality of the public.

"Sprite bujhaaye only pyaas. Baaki all bakwaas."

It was simple.

And it created an impact.

Who doesn't remember the sarcasm in the ad mocking Mountain Dew's adventure theme?

"Aaaayee wanna dew!"

How about letting the people know how irrelevant filmstars and cricketers flying kites is to softdrinks?

"Public ki le rahe hain."

A mockery of the popular wannabe English culture?

"Tommy, Uncle ke liye pen laao."

Sania Mirza's presence in the later ads added attitude to the viewpoint.

In the quest of sales, Sprite's advertisement campaign did much more that just sell its softdrink - It created awareness. It taught people to judge a product based on its usefulness rather than on the celebrities shown on TV using it.

Of course, Sprite tasted like distilled water mixed with soda all along, but that hardly seemed to matter.

To most of us, Sprite always represented a culture - The culture of being sensible; the culture of thinking rationally; the culture of not being a part of the herd.

It used to represent the culture, that is.

This ad just spoils all the hard work.

"Sprite kholega toh milega. Cap ke neeche run banao, ShahRukh aur KnightRiders se milne ka mauka paao."

I don't know if the hypocrisy by Sprite was noticed by people.

It seems that back at work they have finally realized that unrealistic dreams are better motivators than sensible advice. Someone dared to think ahead of his time again. As always, he was unsuccessful.

I won't be surprised to know that Sprite sales skyrocketed during the IPL.

Tiles

Another long holiday

Another intellectual conversation

Another week of introspection

Another wave of realizations

Another burst of laughter

Another silent resolution

A thousand thoughts

A hundred ideas

A couple of conversations

One decision

And an ambiguous blogpost to sum it all up

Vacations do something to you.

For moody bloggers like yours truly, they provide an excuse to write.

Boss

About a week back, a new member moved to the WING.

Andy and co were in sky lawns when they saw a bunch of dogs attack a puppy. They rescued him. He was wounded - bleeding from his neck and from under one of his forelimbs. His hindlimbs were damaged to the extent that he couldn't walk. He was terrified by the attack, and his mother was nowhere to be found.

I do not know what the exact situation was, but in a moment of pity and compassion they decided to save him from his miserable condition. They kept him in somebody's room and moved him to the WING three days later.

When I first saw him, he was unable to walk. He could hardly move, effortfully dragging his body to another place every now and then. It was quite clear that he was in pain. Even the trivial natural activities seemed to be difficult.

We did a pretty good job taking care of him. Everyday, one of us brought him a pack of Tiger biscuits. We took him to the local vet as well, and got the prescribed painkillers and antibiotics. We did all that we could and yet, none of us could live up to the parenting a puppy in that condition required. After all, we were just a bunch of single fathers. For reasons undisclosed, we decided to name him Boss.

Boss stayed in Andy's room for about four days. Andy, I must say, has a lot of patience. Taking care of an injured infant dog is no walk in the park. To start with, he leads quite a busy life, hardly staying more than twelve hours a day in his room. The responsibilities of owning a pet, and that too a physically disabled one, to add to it, and the persistent smell of droppings in the room pushed his patience to the limit.

When Andy had to leave for Delhi four days later, we relocated him to my room. Now, I have a thing for dogs. I have had the experience of bringing one up at home and I knew that adopting a pet is much more than just taking care of it. The moment emotions and attachment come into the picture, things change.

He stayed in my room for a day, making it a point to stay as close to me as possible. He moaned rather unnoticably whenever I left the room, and crawled close to me and slowly licked my feet as a token of affection when I came back. Based on what I was doing, he'd sleep under the computer table or beside the bed.

Early next morning, I woke up to his barking. He was sitting innocently right under my head staring me, waiting for me to open the door for him so that he could go do his business outside. Andy seems to have done a good job in potty training.

Though I tried my best to stay clear of developing an attachment to him, it was inevitable, for the simple reason that a child demands affection, and though some people can ignore it, I couldn't help but pet him when he crawled upto me and sat next to my feet, rubbing his fur against the warmth of my skin.

That evening, we had to return him to where he belonged.

Two reasons.

Firstly, he had started walking again, which meant he could survive with his family.

Secondly, due to unforseen circumstances, we could no longer keep him in the WING and not get into trouble.

Trikha and I took him back to sky, and as we approached the gate one of the bitches on the other side walked upto us and stood there staring at him longingly - His mother, we presumed.

This moment itself was beautiful. I was holding him up in my arms, and the mother was a good distance away. She somehow sensed his presence and came to him. I'm pretty sure she couldn't even make him out visually where he was, but she was sure it was him.

I did not know how she would react on seeing him after such a long time, I knew birds abandon their children if someone else touches them. I decided to hand over the proceedings to them, and put him down between the two of us, while staying ready to reverse the action if for some reason she showed aggression.

To my surprise, he didn't even bother to look at her. The moment I put him down and backed off a step or two, he walked upto me and curled around my feet, as if he was begging me not to leave him. I don't know if he recognized his mother, but judging from her ability to make him out from such a distance, I think he knew.

It was his choice, and he chose to come to me.

Moment of irony. Extreme irony.

I wasn't ready for this. For the first time, I felt helpless. I could no longer keep him with me, and his mother had walked away in disappointment. Neeraj was with me, and his plan of action didn't cover this either.

We started walking away from him, hoping he'd go back to her.

He didn't. Instead, he followed us, trying to match our pace with whatever energy remained in his crippled legs. There was only so much crying we could take before we stopped and waited for him to come upto us. Once again, he curled himself around my feet, this time pressing himself even tighter onto my shoes.

We were now in sky lawns, and there were a few more puppies around. We were hoping he would be able to bond with them. Some of them came close, smelt him and walked away. Neeraj and I stood there indecisively for almost five minutes - A strange dilemma.

We could either leave him there, where he'd be alone, abandoned by his mother, where the same pack of dogs could attack him again, where no one else would feed him, or take care of his crippled leg, or just show him affection.

On the other hand, we could take him with us, keep him in the WING, risk him being discovered by the now suspicious sweeper and left alone on the road, where he was sure to die. To add to it, I was going to be alone in the WING for the next few days. It was the holiday season, and everyone else had a happy family to go back home and enjoy the festival with.

It was my call, and I decided to leave him there and let nature work its own way upon his fate.

I returned to sky the next day to check on him. I couldn't find him.

Today, I got news.

He died.

If it was just another dog on the street I wouldn't have cared. Death and suffering are a part of nature. It would have been nothing unusual.

In this case, however, things were different. I was, in part, responsible for his death. I was undoubtably his last memory of a parental figure, the one who abandobned him.

I can try my best to convince myself its a part of everyday life and isn't something worth giving a thought, but I know it isn't.

If it was me in sky that unfortunate day, I wouldn't have brought him back with me in the first place.

Though I hadn't chosen to take up his responsibilty, I chose to give it up.

I've briefly seen him in my dreams the last two nights, where he is happily living with his mother again. I know it won't be the same dream tonight.

One should never take up a responsibility he cannot fullfil. No matter how promising the immediate consequences seem, in the long run they will harm someone, either him or the dependents.

Andy and co did a very compassionate thing by rescuing an injured puppy and taking care of him the other day, but what they gave him in doing so was love, a feeling of belongingness and hope - the hope of staying alive.

What they should have done was leave him there and let nature work in its own way.

Maybe then, his death would have been much less painful.

There are things in life that just cannot be described in words.

The world is beautiful. Learn to accept it.

Fashion and Football

Have you ever wondered why so many football players date supermodels?

Look around you. There are uncountable examples.

So what is it about footballers that women in the world of fashion cannot resist?

At Xero0ne labs, we are committed to research in emerging areas.

After two years of intense studies, our scientists have come up with the following results:

In a startling revelation, it was shown that the fashion-football attraction is caused by stimulation of the models' exposed skin by the reagents in a football player's sweat.

The phenomenon, known as Sweat Fetish, works as follows:

Playing football for a long time causes expansion of the sebacious glands due to excessive sweating. These swelled up glands start manufacturing concentrated amounts of strongly bonded larger organic molecules.

These molecules, which resemble the C-60 Fullrene, are known as Bi-Alkylated-Laevorotatory-Lacto-Spheres (BALLS).

On the other hand, the skin of women dressed up in minimal clothing becomes overly sensitive due to critical exposure to the atmosphere.

A typical model in revealing clothes was found to have a much higher concentration of the compund Bi-Oxy Ozono Butane (BOOB) on her skin, which acts as a receptor site.

When the BALLS molecules in the footballer's smelly sweat are dispersed in the air, they are adsorbed by the BOOBS receptors on the model's skin where they act as pheromones, leading to intense stimulation.

The entire process can be summarized by the equation:

With the above scientific knowledge, our scientists hypothesized the following typical first conversations between the two:

Scenario 1

Boy: What do you do?

Girl: I show off my body in skimpy outfits. And what do you do?

Boy: I kick a round object around in the playground.

Girl: We are both so grown up and mature. Lets fuck.

Scenario 2

Girl: You look tired.

Boy: I've been playing with my balls all day long.

Girl: But there's no one else on the field.

Boy: I like to play with myself.

Girl: Maybe I can join you. Will you teach me?

Boy: Sure. Do you want to know how I bend it?

And that is how it usually starts.

That done, we are now working on determining the future prospects for some other football players.

Further studies will be based on the following subject, who in his eight years of football, has failed to attract any cat-walking female.